Faith - less

Last month I said I'll make it.

Last month I'm convinced that I am able.

Today, I'm wondering what the hell is happening; and the fact that I've strayed so far off from my goal.

But then again, what was it that I'm aiming for.

I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm hopeless, yet I couldn't seem to find the reason why am I feeling this way.

I feel stupid. Like, stupid, STUPID.

I doubt whether I can do anything, can I?

out of place

I went to a talk from morning til late evening; about money making.

Being a person who barely graduate and has no experience whatsoever in stocks and whatsoever, zero interest in the field, and no intention of actually join in; I found the seminar very, very daunting. I understand everything taught by the speakers, but my heart is just unmoved. I know whatever they're teaching is possible, doable and I am totally capable of doing it; I just don't feel like doing it.

Afermath: headache.

Slippin Away

One word. "Aaaaaaaa~ AAA. Aaaaaaa~" *follow the tune*

I'm married to Mr. Tissue

Well, I have been living everyday with Mr. Tissue, literally. There has never been a day where I can separate myself from him. I had him with me everytime I go out, everywhere I go, and even when I sleep.

Why? Every single day I will definitely wake up with a runny nose; and that it won't stop until its noon. If it haven't stopped until noon, it will stay until I sleep. Which is why, I never ran out of stock and people who lived with me had been faithful reminder to buy some everytime we hang out.

There are even times I didn't leave house because I don't have Mr. Tissue to accompany me.

Today is one of those days; and everyone else is out. Sobs.

I guess they'll bring Mr.Tissue back when they return~

Turning Point

I am still running on a straight lane...

A Nomad's Life for Me

Always moving from two places is a daunting work. Seriously, you have to pack up on friday, unpack, yada yada yada, pack again and unpack on monday and the cycle repeats, forever. I wish we would stay at one place soon. I'm getting tired of all the moving dramas, the tension and the radio show. Sobs.

Let's Fly: B1A4

Not literally, of course. It's the first title of the mini album by B1A4 (Yes, me be writing tons about them, click exit if you wish not to see my fangirling self). Truthfully, I have just got the chance (By chance, I meant money) to get the album. It's the first time ever am I really supporting the artist that I like. Like, really, buy something that I know will directly channelled into their pockets because I truly appreciate their music. WIth YouTube, who buys album nowadays anyway? I did.

I feel weird, because I have the album literally within my grasp and it's just felt... really.. I don't know. It's not like it's a shirt where I get to wear; it's something that I need to listen to in order for me to "see" the thing. Why, me? And why now, me? All my weirdness aside, I love it. The pictures are pretty and the paper they used for the album is not newpaper-ish (I hate touching newpaper, that's why I read them online) and the face value totally won me over. Thumbs up for the pretty.

I listened to all the song in the album and some are liked better than the other. If I had to rank them in my personal inkigayo, it would be:

1. OK & the instrumental (I listen to instrumental when doing homework, less distraction but enough to help me focus on the job; but I usually had it in between classical piano/orchestra OST from Nodame Cantabile)
2. Only learned bad things (Love the serious tone of the song but the MV seems a little too elementary for song with such message, no go for me in terms of video; a pass for song. Heart melting.)
3. Bling Girl (Sweet and cute; makes me smile. Feeling all gigglish, bubbly, fumbly, gooey marshmallowy... etc after listening to it. Okay, you geddit)
4. Only One ("I pray no tears in your dream?" Me no accept your Engrish. But I understood what you're saying, so, I like you too, song. I guess I pray there'll be no tears in your dream as well? Yes?)
5. Remember (I can't remember what the song is about. I guess that explains the standing of the song in my personal ranking, I suppose)

Food Rondezvous

I haven't seen my sisters in a while so last night was our catching up moment~ We spend the night chatting, eating and playing Candy Crush... LOL~Anyway, it felt great to have "eat, pray, love" quality time in the midst of our busy schedule.

I'm betting we'll be meetingeach other for Aidilfitri soon~

Cowardice

That is what you say to yourself when you've planned to do so many things, talk about it so many times, rehearsed it a million times in your head and you backed out at the final sprint.

It's cowardice.

Why are you so too damn scared to fly? (Hit the light, by Selena Gomez)

Don't you have faith in your ability? Don't you know you can do it?

Of course, you can. It's YOU we're talking here.

"Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something, not even me.  Alright?  You  have a dream, you gotta protect it.  (When) people can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it.  If you want something, go get it. Period."

Will Smith’s  Chris Gardner in The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

 

Ven a Mi

I think I am living in another world up to a certain degree. I kept on thinking scenarios, what I dream would happen and stuff; most of them are things that is just impossible. (The malay proverb describe it as bermimpi di siang hari)

I do realize that I somehow am not living in the real world; I'm in this small bubble of comfort zone where everything falls in line, where everything pleases me and yes, the world revolves around me. Perhaps, the me living in this bubble is the cause of me being unable to connect with real people in reality, and that there's an invisible wall of world difference that separates us. Worst, that might also be a reason why I can sometimes be extremely cold; like ice.

I wanted out. I wanted to leave this space. I wanted to be more understanding, more passionate, more sincere, and loving. I wanted to be more connected to people, not in virtual world, but really, connect with people around me.

I already know what I wanted, and I even found the solution; but its really difficult to leave this perfect bubble. Courage, ven a mi; I need you.

Unforgiving hearts

I've tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart?
Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is payin' for things I didn't do
In anger, unkind words I say that make the teardrops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart? 

Cold Cold Heart, Norah Jones

Gyoza Crave, no. Craze.

My sister and I watched Keizoku 2: SPEC; and in that show, Toda Erika kept on eating Gyoza ever so deliciously that makes us wonder "Is is really that good?"

The problem is, we can't really just go to random Japanese restaurant and ordered one, I mean, even Sushi King's Halal credibility is questioned nowadays (There's been plenty of articles claiming such.. so...yeah). Since it has become something considerably shubhah (Meaning something that we're unsure whether we can/cannot do/eat"), we don't have a choice. Cooking it is.

I googled the recipe, memorize the steps and ingredients, but I wonder. What item can I use to replace Sake? Naah~ I guess I'll just skip it. LOL~ My personal Gyoza, coming soon.

And thanks Toda Erika, you totally make me fall in love with the food at your first bite.

Gyoza!!! <3 <3 <3

Onions

The first thing that My mom asked me do after I return home for semester break is to peel and slice 1 kg of red onions. Yes, that much. She planned to cook some sort of Sambal that everybody else in the house loved, me included (I am not a spicy food lover, so I usually don't eat that much...).

I haven't touch any onions for months; and today I cried buckets , and cried several buckets more when I slice them onions thinly. Why, onion why? What sin did I commit to you that you had to make me cry so much? *dramatic gestures and expession*

Wait.

I'm gonna eat the onion later, right, after we're done with cooking the said Sambal?

Okay.

Not your fault. Consider it me crying for your funeral. LOL~

Home

It is all so familiar.

It felt good.

It felt right.

It's warm.

It's mine.

Burn, Baby, Burn

I once stumbled upon my eldest brother burning all of his mangas; ones that he had been collecting since he was in high school until he's done with his degree right before he started his job. I couldn't even imagine why would you burn something that you used to cherish, I mean, its a collection that he worked on for years. I know how much he loved the series (Dragon Ball Z books), I mean we all do but seeing him burning the books himself makes me really wonder but the question "Why?" was never asked.

Now that I am of his age, I am starting to see the world the way he did. Now that I think back, I supposed having the books around makes him remember of his high school life (as in the past, his teens years), and now that he's a grown up, he had to be rid of the "things kid do" so that he can carry on living and start being an adult. Maybe when the books are all gone, he wouldn't feel a need to further be attched to it.

I wouldn't go as far as the Elric's brother to burn their home so that they can focus on the task at hand (Suddenly a Fullmetal Alchemist reference, lol), or burn the books like my brother did. I am thinking of sealing my past in boxes, and leave them somewhere where I could not see them until one fine day I found them; and realize they are all the past, and I am in the present.

Speechless

I don't usually go gaga over Gaga, but this song~ wow.

Lady Gaga Speechless

Hooow?

I can't believe what you said to me, Last night, we were alone
You threw your arms up, Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me, With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair, And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?, And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again, Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again, Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me, With your half-wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams, All of my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me, With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through, There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated, But I'm a loser in love so baby
Raise a glass to mend, All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again, Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

And I'll never love again,, Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

H-ooow?

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up? Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and the girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?Could you give it all up?
If I promise boy to you

That I'll never talk again, And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song, Won't even sing along
I'll never love again

H-ooow?

So speechless, You left me speechless, so speechless

Will you ever talk again? Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless so speechless

Some men may follow me, But you choose death for company
Why you so speechless? Oh oh ohhhh

Restricting Bully

I am so thankful of the existence of the restriction button today. Its been so difficult to keep some fellas on Facebook but you don't have a choice but to keep them still, so restrict them is such a good idea!

I really can't handle internet bully, even if some of them are people I never know in person. Its just that maybe with the power of being anonymous, the vicious side of people come out. So, that's bad, people. Stop doing it. I do told them to stop but you can't actually tell people to simply stop. I have no power over anyone. I just prayed that in due time, people will grow up, change and it better be positive changes.

Fanfiction

I haven't updated the story I've written for so long~

I suppose people have moved on and give up on waiting but when I actually logged in today, there's people who's been reading until today and waiting for me to update.

I guess, I'm gonna sharpen my pencil and start again. I'll just complete the story and quit. Just that one story~ because that's the only one with guests still.

Thank you for your faith in me. =D

Lost

After endless rigorous tasks to be completed; and I'm done with it, I actually felt a loss. Like suddenly there's an emptiness~ like.. What do I do now? lol.

Anyway, I'm done with the semester, so yay! Everything is over! Until next sem biches~

Get your head in the game

I need to plan, focus and do my best to complete the goal. Must try my best!

Body Memory

I move into a new room that looks exactly like the one that I had for 2 years. The only difference is that in my previous room, theres a half foot high flooring (like a platform) so I used to sort of expecting a slight body lift up and down whenever I leave and enter the room. The new room that I'm currently living looks exactly the same, except that the floor has got no platform.

I left my old room about 2 years ago but right now my body is behaving the way it used to when I stayed in my old room. I've been telling myself that the floor is flat, no need to raise my feet higher to enter the room for I will not slip on anything but it still did when I walk by. I ended up almost falling everytime; on an even, solid, flat floor. I was so used to my old room's flooring that my current self is reverting back to my old habit. I was trying to climb up so when when me feet hit the floor, nothing's there and I feel like I've just fallen from a starcase.

I used to bleh and yeah right when people talk about "doing something because I'm so used to it without realizing it" but now I am experiencing it.

I guess the body has a mind of its own, remembering things that we subconsciously are unaware of~

Sleeping Monster

The craziest thing happened today. Let me backtrack a bit. It all began last night when I was completing my part for a group work assignment. I stayed up all night and managed to get it done. I was in charge of collecting and editing and proofreading the final version of our paper, so I waited and waited for everyone to complete and send it to me.

I was so tired, and fighting to stay awake.

Then I opened my eyes. I was 6 hours past the due date/time of the said assignment. I sat on my bed silently, deciphering what just happened and then it hit me. I am so DEAD!!! I checked my mail and everything's there, completed, and I am the one who literally haven't done my duty yet. I started to panic and my mouth endlessly spouted unintelligible curses while thinking of a solution. What solution, anyway? The ship has sailed, the flight has flown. I almost cried and breakdown at the very moment but I managed to gather the courage to call my teacher.

As much as I tried to keep calm, my voice did betray my nervousness, guilt and mostly; fear. I didn't think lying is a good idea, because I'm gonna need to keep up with the lie and that's tiring, so I simply tell my teacher the truth (with my over the top freak out mode voice~ almost cried) and lucky me; my teacher is cool enough to allow me to submit it the day after. I was so engulfed with relief, and my teacher even asked me to calm down. (I must've sounded very panic, obviously). Crisis averted.

I simply got everything ready first; editing and proofreading and printing so that I can just go and submit the day after without any hassle. Learn from your mistake, honey. Don't wait to print on last minute. Something WILL go wrong. That's just the rule of last minute assignment. LOL~ Later that night I met my group members for supper and I told them about the "drama" earlier this evening. They're all speechless at first, then some yelling and "friendly" slap and punch on the back and my arm, and finally, I was laughed at the whole time we were at the round table (while eating). They said that its no longer appropriate to call me "Sleeping Beauty", instead I was bestowed another title; "Sleeping Monster".

Dream

I had a dream. In my dream, I even hated the person I hate in real life. Continuity~

Burn Notice

They said if you're scared of getting burnt, don't play with fire. I played with one; and I'm really scared right now~

Psycho Pass

I think in my whole life, this is the one and only anime that I waited patiently for it to air and watch diligently week by week. I'm the marathon type usually, but the experience of watching this show is just so different... (and I only write about it now. lol) I was hooked on the very first episode and it continues until the end of the series. iTs just soooooooo~ cool. and I like the first and second ED song so much.

Sleepless Nights

I 've become a nocturnal! I slept the whole day; and stay up the whole night. What do I do? *Sigh*

Pretty Little Liars

I guess when you tell a lie and stick to it long enough, it'll become the truth to everybody else. But to you, it'll stay a lie. Forever

I you don't try...

The result will always be negative. If you try, chances are; there might be positive result. I shouldn't have hesitated; but I did anyway. So, when I got a positive answer, I am immensely happy. Absolutely happy. =)

Because sometimes I just can't see

"May Allah SWT have mercy on the man who shows me my faults"

Umar Al - Khattab

Nocturne

Tonight's lullaby. I think I screwed up my test. Bummer~ I pray I won't fail. I don't wish to repeat any paper~ T_________________________T

Song performed by Ha Yeon Soo & Kang Ha Neul from the 2nd episode of Monstar

Just the perfect melancholic performance for this moment...

First world problem

I bought a book last week. It's George RR Martin's A Dance with Dragon.

I wanted to read it badly~

But I've got several papers to be completed. Dang~ Just my luck.

Wait for it, book. We're going to have a lengthy date soon...

Mean Girl

I feel evil. I brag. I boast. I look down. I am mean. I am insincere. I think I'm better.

A pair of shoes and expiry dates

I bought a pair of good shoes and started on a job; and when I started doing it, I am not sure whether I should continue doing it or walk away. But I already bought a shoes; and I won't be using that shoes anywhere else except the job. So I told myself, I'll do this job until this shoes' sole is ruined.

I kept true to my word.

One fine day on the job, I noticed that the there's a hole on the sole of the left shoe. I noticed it because I was walking in the rain, so to speak. So, I decided to leave job that night.

I then noticed how there's a similarity to my situation and Mr. Magorium in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium; that things that has a start will have an end. He was on his final pair of shoes, and he's bought enough to last a lifetime. In my case; the pair of shoes is my indicator of how how long I'm staying.

I think my view on a job is like Mr. Magorium.I gave myself enough time to test myself, to prove my worth and to leave when I need to.

My time is up. I am already gone. Goodbye job.

Hans in luck

Today, I am him. God has made things move smoothly for me, and I was given a solution the moment I asked for it. I am indeed loved and blessed. Alhamdulillah; Allah SWT is indeed the Greatest and the Most Merciful

Resting

I slept; but I don't feel rested. That makes sense? I don't know. I lie down in bed for hours not being able to actually sleep.

I need rest. However, sleeping is not the answer.

Dear B1A4

So, a few days back I joined a contest on facebook. Its not over yet but I've been wanting to share this so much because it meant something to me at a personal level~ LOL

It was my first experience ever to join such thing on facebook. I have never been a fan of contest; because I know that I rarely got lucky with this kind of thing...

So the thing that I had to do was kind of simple. 
1. Get people to like the page https://www.facebook.com/ChocoKpopOnlineShop
2. Get people to like the picture https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=532042526860661&set=a.531573333574247.1073741870.425493564182225&type=1&relevant_count=1

Picture with most likes win. The contest ends on the 25th of June 2013; so, if you happen to like B1A4 too, please do help me win. Thanks! ^^ (This is what we call shameless advertising)


I, at the age of 24; for the first time ever in my life joined something I myself consider childish and lame and just..I don't know...In short, its nothing the usual me would do. I have no idea what have gotten into me and I impulsively did join the contest. LOL~ I feel so crazy after I posted the picture and even ask myself 

"Are you sure you're subjecting yourself to this?" 

and I kind of said

"Hell, Yeah! I'm doing it, yolo right!" to myself for even questioning that...

However, there is something that I wrote to accompany the picture I posted. A poem. One I sincerely wrote for B1A4; not for the contest. I have liked the group for a while, except that I always hide my addiction since most of my friends are not into it. It something like Yumichika from Bleach, who hide his true Zanpakutou's ability from the reast of Gotei 13 because the rest of them aren't a fan of Kido... Something like that... Okay, not a good example. Hope you get it... HA. Apologies.

That aside, Its an acrostic poem; one that my previous creative writing lecturer taught me~ and this is it. It's verses are kinda weird, but I had to be "off" because I used their song titles from the first debut album's song title up to present to write it. So, my choice of words are kind of... restricted

"B1A4 JBSGC AND BANA FOREVER"

Beautiful target is who they are, and
1 does not simply not fall in love with
A group with a charmingly handsome leader and
4 flower boys that can conquer the world

Jinyoung's soothing melancholic voice to ease your mind
Baro's fun and bubbly beatboxes to lure you into their world
Sandeul's perfect vocal is the only one in the world
Gongchan's electric smile and aegyo to melt your heart, and
CNU's tall and strong frame to protect you from harm

All gorgeous words I could simply use to flatter them but
Nothing compares to the real person in the flesh
Dearest B1A4! BANA cherishes you!

Bling girl is the word to describe us,
A fandom of yours who are enchanted to meet you
Never a night has passed without "Jaljayo, Goodnight"
And we know it is going to be wonderful tonight!

For as long as eyes can see and ears can listen
One love will always be be our lullaby
Remember, you always have a speacial place in our heart
Even tomorrow and yesterday B1A4 is our good love!
Voices of angels, in the wind I'm sending my love
Etches with hope you'll say "Be my girl"
Random I might sound to end this, "I love you B1A4, Is that OK?"

I felt some sort of accomplishment after finishing it; because I managed to FINISH something I started. I am not able to finish all of my assignments yet; and hell, its gruesome. However, finishing this sort of give me an invincible conviction that "Hey, if I can do something challenging like this, I can do the rest of my assignments too! I definitely can!"

Thus, on the very day that I joined the said competition, I managed to finish my individual assignment (the one that I've been procrastinating since last month) which is to be submitted the day after. So yeah, I'm pretty happy and proud of myself. Self five!!!

The B1A4 boys whom I love

Thanks B1A4; on days like this, you're my savior!

Running Away

I am running away from whatever thats going on by going back home. Best place ever! When nobody else knows where I've been. =)

Appreciated

Its good to know that whatever I did personally is appreciated and acknowledged. It makes me feel that it was worth the sacrifice.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Which is why I should have never trusted them in the first place.

The series of unfortunate events

So, yesterday i pepared for a task that is to be presented today, and almost finished it at 3 am; then I slept.
I woke up at 10am just to read a notification that the class is cancelled.

Thsts not even the worst part.
The cancelled class is now replaced with another one; in which one that I plan on finishing tonight after the first presentation since I should be presenting that one tomorrow.

I have another 3 hours to finish whatever it is that I need to show today. I'm so blocked out of anything that I need to rant it out here. My god. I'm so screwed! but, its time to keep calm and do what needs be done.

Escapism

So I did everything I shouldn't be doing instead of what I should be doing...the story of my life~

Convince me

Why should I stay after enduring all the nasty talk?
Why should I stay after all the backstabbing?
Why should I stay after all the cynical smiles and laugh?
Why should I stay after being treated like an idiot?
Why should I stay after getting scolded  until my self esteem gone?
Why should I stay after being humiliated over the littlest  thing?
Why should I stay after being isolated all these time?
Why should I stay after  being ignored when I ask question?
Why should I stay after being rejected when I speak?
Why should I stay after being accused of incompetence when I actually am?
Why should I stay after always be the punching bag for other's mistake?
Why should I stay after always taking the fall?

Why should I stay after all these?

Why should I?

and If you were me, would you?

Catching Up

I met my hommies today and we talked for about 3 hours, telling stuff about our happenings in life and all.
It was great, but I was so immensely tired; because I didn't sleep the night before and I was half awake when I met her. Anyways, it was fun meeting friend, and talk about things that we can't actually say online...
So, yeah. I'm so happy, but bloody tired~ lol

Torn

Eating late at night is not good. Not good at all. But what can I do when I haven't eaten all day long?

Mighty hearts

And I choose to heal and not to hurt, to forgive and not to despise, to love and not to hate, to believe and not to wither. I choose to seek the sunshine and not to delve in the rain; and after the rain has stopped, the sun will surely shine again. (Mdm Rohaya, 2012)

Castle On a Cloud

I watched Les Miserables and I have no idea why; this song is haunting my thoughts. I hum to it, I sang to it, and I even draw the image of Cosette looking out of the window while holding a broomstick. The scene was so tremendously beautiful that I can even picture clearly in my mind.

There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

I like the way the character portrays the longing for a better place where she no longer will cry over anything, and theres a gentle person to hold her close and tuck her to bed. *Awww~ Cries*

I am still humming to it right now~

In the name of Love

I was in a slump today, I couldn't do anything. I can't even start writing my assignments and I simply lie there on my bed moping for hours. I finally pick up the phone and called my mum. I told her how I have been a lazyass and not doing anything at all. She said one thing; and in fact that is the only thing that ever say to me whenever I called her about my sudden mopig outbreak.

"Quit everything you're doing right now, shower, pray to god and recite Quran. When you're done, restart whatever you need to do. Okay? Now GO!"

I did. I guess that was the thing that I need, someone to push me into doing something "RIGHT NOW!!!"

Later, I had my dinner with a friend and I told her about my silly ordeal of refusing to wake up from bed and start doing things I should and what my mom told me. My friend didn't say anything and simply laugh along but when we was parting ways; she said this "Do appreciate her while she's still around. I lost mine when I was 21 & my dad when I was 13. It good to be able to call and tell her stuff when nobody else understands you."

I said I am sorry for being insensitive of her feelings but she said that she has already moved on accepted God's fate so there is nothing to be sorry about. She said in the future, she'll listen to her children's rant; the same way my mom did to me. I smiled and pats her shoulder, I said thanks and smile. I am glad to have such a cool friend.

Even though its a painful memory; I'll still gladly welcome them

This is the first time that I'm writing about a song. Today, my choice is this one because it completely speaks of my feelings at the moment. It is entitled On the Street by Sung Shi Kyung. I am not actually a fan of him, but I started to listen to some of his songs after watching 1 night 2 days. (I started watching 1N2D because of Joo Won, but he grows on me. Plus, I kinda stopped watching Joo Won after Level 7 Something; but his performance in Gaksital is marvelous). Sung Shi Kyung is so awkwardly adorable in that show.  However, the one and only song that ever touches my heart from the lots that he sung; the one that really connects to me is this one.

 The song alone is lovely; and Sung Shi Kyung's voice just nailed it. It's amazing, gorgeous and simply meaningful; and it makes me realize that no matter how painful a memory is, after sometime, that scarring memory is also a thing that we cherish and keep with us forever. Thank you for a lovely and heartbreakingly sweet song, Sung Shi Kyung. I will definitely look forward to your future projects. ^^

Food for thoughts

I've got a folder full of hundreds of pictures with food for thoughts, motivation and stuff like that. I read all that, but I still am incapable of doing anything at the moment. I'm so disappointed with my decision.

The Thawing of a Frozen Heart

I lost my grandfather almost half a year ago. I was not home. I knew about it by a text from my mom. She said, don't worry, we've had it all covered. Your dad is fine. I wanted to go back home almost immediately; to be there for my dad. In all honestly, I don't remember shedding tears upon the news. I just know its a sad thing; and I should feel sad but I just don't. Tears don't fall and my head is as clear as water in a pond. Its like hearing a stranger's death news. I am not affected, I have no affliction whatsoever. I even googled on why didn't I feel sad, and how wrong it is to not feel sad over the death of family members. I feel so dehumanized. So, I finished all of my final projects and settle everything at my school; and went back home.

It was the second day of the "Kenduri Arwah" (funeral reception) when I got home. It was the first time ever that I saw my dad looking so extremely sombre; and yet trying his best to talk to everyone who came. Afterall, dad is the first male son of the family; he should somehow lead the occasion on behalf of the rest of his siblings. I was in awe, perhaps raising us his children and plenty of life experiences makes him so strong and reliable. At this moment, he is the person my grandma needed most.

I spent time with my grandma. She was sobbing uncontrollably when I sat next to her; reciting prayers and guiding younger cousins reciting Quran. Then I hugged her, and my mom reprimanded me for crying in front of grandmother. "She's cried enough. Why did you cry in front of her? Why do you have to make her cry again? What if she fall ill?". I didn't say anything; I didn't even correct her. I was just there to pat on grandma's  back and hug her, I didn't cry, not even a little bit, not even at all. I'm not even sure if I actually feel sad or pensive at that moment.

After the ordeal with my grandmother; theres a "Tahlil" (Reading of Quranic verses and prayers) which was lead by the village's head (He also is the Imam at our Village's Mosque). We all say the prayer together and then I felt that something is amiss. I couldn't hear my granddad's voice anymore. Normally his voice would be the loudest, and echoes around the house but that day; there's no more. My tears fell, but I didn't even sob. The water just fell out of my eyes, and my nose become watery as well. I have no idea why these fluids keep coming out of my eyes and nose without my heart's consent.

I couldn't explain the numb feelings I felt; and it just felt like something's missing, and a space empty. Some part of me refuse to stop crying so that the tears can become a show to the rest of the family; a sign that I do felt remorse since I didn't actually show my grievance at all since I arrived home and the fact that I didn't rush home the moment I heard the news doesn't make my position seems better. Let them see me cry. It also helps that my face naturally look sad. Apparently, I am one of the 3 grandchildren who didn't say our last farewell to him on his final day before his departure to afterlife. So, crying makes up for it, I guess, since people stop giving me glances of disapproval.

It is true that I was not very close to my grandfather; and that I can barely remember moments that I have with him. There were so many of us; his grandchildren and I can vouch that I'm not his favourite. The one and only memory that I have is when I was in standard 6 and waiting for the bus from cram school. I saw him. He was there with his bike and cigarette; and we sat near each other, but not acknowledging each other's existence at the bus stop right after I salam (shook his hand) once. Then he got up, bought Orange flavoured drink and Pisang Goreng (Its like Banana Tempura); and handed them over to me. I said thanks, and the stall owner said from afar, "Aww, your granddad's buying".

Its a small village, so its no secret as which little kids belongs to which clan. I smiled. He did too. I remembered feeling tremendously happy because for once, I have a moment that my other cousins didn't.  We actually talked; and eventhough it was just a "How was school?", "Are you behaving well to your teacher?", "Are you having fun in school?", and "Where's your dad, why didn't he pick you up?". He stayed with me until the bus came and I went home. I didn't say anthing about this event to anyone; not even my dad because it was such a small, insignificant occurence. Ironically, I remembered this so called insignificant moment to this very day. Perhaps it is significant after all, for that was the only time that I remember us having sincerely smiled and actually were having conversation with one another. I rarely met him after I started secondary school, maybe around 10 times a year, I guess? The number of time I met him didn't even increase through the years. I grow up, and he grew older.

I somehow know that I'm blocking off my emotion to feel anything; I didn't let myself feel anything because I know if I let that feeling sink in, I'll have a major breakdown. I will lose control of myself and I don't like that feeling. I don't want to break down over a person who barely acknowledged my existence in his life. I was always envious of my friends whenever they speak about how close they are to their grandparents; because I simply don't have a close relationship with my grandparents. We just meet once in a while and that's that. "Since our contact is minimum; lets just keep the mourning minimized too" I thought to myself.So, I compartmentalized my feelings. I recovered pretty fast, probably because there was nothing to recover from; and goes on with life as if nothing ever happened. Time passess and I rarely ever remembered him. Like he was never there on the first place.

We were so distant; I knew he was family and family should feel love for each other but I guess I stopped trying to try loving him. I stopped trying to impress; I stopped trying to get his attention; I stopped trying to care. I have always, however, play the role of filial granddaughter for my parents at home. I may not do it out of goodwill, but at least I know I did it for my parents. I can smile and laugh and behave according to the societal norms, but none of it was real, I guess. I've been trying my best to convince "me" that I am in fact, okay. So, why did I write about it today?

Simple answer. As Beyonce said it in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? They're tumbling down. They didn't even put up a fight, they didn't even make a sound" . My cover is blown. I break down.

That one fine morning, I was doing my cleaning routine when I saw a male elderly was trying to walk down a narrow staircase. He was holding a cane and staggering. Out of intuition I rushed towards him and extend my arm. He accepted my help and held my hand as he ascends from the stairs. He looked at me straight in the eyes, grace me with a gentle smile and left. He said nothing. He was a stranger with no connection whatsoever to me, but something tugged my heart and the moment I turn around; the sudden surge of emotion makes my tears fall and for the first time ever, in 6 months after he left us, I truly cried. No one was there to judge me, there's no family members around to put a show on, I have no one around me to please, only my heart alone to console. That stranger made me feel a doleful void that I didn't feel before. The touch makes me remember that my gradfather is no longer physically here. I can no longer hold his hand. I can no longer call his name and he can never answer. Ever. The thoughts of having to visit his grave, reciting prayers for him in years to come makes me feel despair and I finally admitted to myself that I am feeling his loss. At the age of 25, I no longer have a Grandfather.

I don't remember a lot about us, in fact I even doubted if I ever actually loved you, as in truly loved you. But right now, at this moment; I miss you, Aki.

Confessions of an Eccentric Drama Queen

I should try to understand and accept people's differences and not be too judgmental. I am to a certain degree and it ticks me off a little bit. Its because deep down I knew it wasn't right for me to have the same reaction like most people; given the fact that I am a piece of work myself when it comes to individuality and degree of weirdness. I am aware of individual's differences, its just that...I can't accept everything.

I know, I mean, if I can be eccentric; why can't other people be eccentric too? They have every single rights to do so. I may be disappointed and baffled as hell; but I should have tried to understand better. Afterall, people have tried their best to understand my qualities and bizarre antics. Why can't I do the same?

The world does not revolve around me and I am just a pebble; okay, a tiny organism living this world so I shouldn't hold my head so high and stop looking down and evaluate myself. I am maybe better at certain things, but there are millions of other people who can do a lot better in other fields than me. I don't want to be a drama queen who is pompous and demanded everything to fall in lines as I please and people must follow what I say.

Instead I want to become a good leader; the one who can see the flaws in herself and accept others' flaw, see the good qualities and fortes in the crowd she mingles in and not think of herself high above the rest of the people.

Random Act of Kindness

One day I was feeling so depressed over something I can't quite place. (Its a mixture of everything, really) and I rode a bus and that day, I was pretty lucky to have secured a seat. I will definitely feel crappier if I had to stand all the way home through the ride and I get to sit. So, cool. I'm okay.

Then there was a guy wearing a snowcap and carries a slingbag fully decorated with badges of his favorite band I think; and he was holding a guitar in his hand. The bus driver apparently was also having a bad day judging from he way he drove the bus; really fast, and I know it didn't slow down at any turn, execept when the bus is dropping and picking people. The guy holding the guitar looked slightly unbalanced but I noticed that even when he's about to lose control of his footing; he always keep his guitar safe from falling or getting hit by other standing people.

Without saying a word I extend my hand, and gesture a "let me hold the guitar for you" with a smile and anod (facial expression language much?). He apparently understood that and hand it over to me. I hold it in my grip and he finally can use his free hand to get the nearby pole to keep his balance. At that moment, all that I could ever think of was "The hell did I just do? He's a complete stranger. Why did I do that? Its so awkward!" I have no idea. I just did. He's also something; handing it over to me when we absolutely not know each other.

I didn't even utter a word to him and when I reached my stop, I returned it to him and I can hear a faint "Thanks" coming out of his mouth. I smiled and nodded (I don't know why it was so difficult for me to speak that day. Oh, yes. I was in bad mood and I haven't spoken to anyone that day. Silly me, of course I won't speak to him.). I got out of the bus; and I can totally hear another passenger saying something like "Oy, give her your number, dude". I guess we've been observed by the rest of the people. Ha.

Anyways, I sort of forgot that I was feeling down earlier; and I was left with a fuzzy and contented feelings afterwards. I guess thats why people say we have to do good in order to feel good. Indeed, doing good is a good thing. I'm happy. And to guy with guitar; thanks, you made my day.

The Punching Bag

This is the second time that I had to take the fall just to cater to everyone else's need. Its irritating in a way, because the first time I did it was already burdening enough. The second time, I'm already at my limit. I don't feel that its okay to dump everything on others for your own benefit. The first time is fine, but twice is not okay~

Pen is a lot sharper than tongue

 Since tongue is said to be sharper than sword; so pen is the sharpest item of them all~

I admit that I am not a person who can immediately rebutt in any arguments; its just not my forte. Thus, I always listen, accept and absorb everything that is said to me diligently. Of course I will feel bad if the said words were unkind but I'll get over it as time passes by. Which is really depressing.

So, I would write. I feel safe in writing; and I can unleash every words I wish to utter verbally. The best part about it is that it works; and the effect lasts longer. I remembered Shakespeare's sonnet 18; the beauty is everlasting as long as people can read. So, yeah. definitely better than voices; unless its recorded and plastered all over the web, because internet is forever too.

Every Freaking Time

I planned to relief some of my fatigue by sleeping for a couple hours; and wake up at 3 am to resume whatever thats left of my paper to be completed.

Guess what?

I woke up at 7. Hmmm~ My plan has gone with the dream. Btw, I know I dreamt of something special. The dream was sort of good because I wake as a happy person; not the usual cranky "why am I waking up when I should be sleeping, its Sunday..." kind of human.

Either way. I'm so not gonna trust myself with sleeping again. Like, ever.

StATisTiCs

Statistically speaking, there has got to be a correlation between test anxiety and the number of times we've done revision, right?

Perfect deduction

It took me hours to realize that I am stressed out about doing the same thing twice.

But it took her less than 10 minutes to point that out, after hearing my rant that is.

The moment I could understand and realize that was my stressor; I'm done being stressed. Ha.

I'm such a simpleton.

Emotional Bankruptcy

"Do you not have feelings?"

It is not the first time that I was ever asked this question. The answer remains the same: I never answer. I do not have the answer to that as well. I do feel happy, angry, annoyed, and sad obviously. If I don't, I wouldn't ponder about this question at all. I think what hurts the most to me is that its not entirely untrue. I know I am cold. I realize that I am blunt. I am insensitive. I feel; but my feelings are belated. I can't immediately reply to questions like this. I need time to think and by the time I'm done thinking; the moment has passed. I miss my chance to speak. I have to think first before I speak. I have to ponder, to choose try find the wisest word to be spoken so I wouldn't hurt anyone, because I know how hurt it to be slayed by words. Its not physical pain; its your heart shredded to pieces.

I badly wanted to explain that I am not a person who is devoid of emotion. I am just not good as expressing my feelings as other people. That is all.

Running Away

facing reality is so difficult! I don't want to! but I have to!

Peter Pan and The Lost Boys

I was this girl who used to follow my elder sister everywhere. Literally. We would jump over our grandfather's orchard fence while savagely climb and eat the Rambutan fruits illegally, play at shallow stream, catching fish and tadpoles, and every other traditional games there is with the rest of the village kids, ravaging the rubber plantation searching for random wild fruits and all sorts of adventures.

Its pretty colourful and my sister is like Peter Pan and me being a follower is one of the Lost Boys.

I miss those times when I was fearless; when I can do whatever the hell I want without a care in the world (except curfew, mom and elder bros. They are scary creatures)

Its good old days; ones that i will never get back and I can only treasure them in my heart.

Floats!

I haven't had a meal at A&W in a while. Okay. I have never had an A&W meal, like ever.

Yesterday I went there and for the first time, I tried the floats. The nice girl at the counter managed to coax me into buying. Fine, you won, lady because of your good manners. I wouldn't have spent extra cash had you been grumpy. LOL~ and I'm glad I made that decision because I felt ridiculously happy. Seriously. Floats is the best thing ever! Or maybe, its just me feeling happy after a test is over; and the float is just a way for me to materialize my happiness. So, I grinned and hover over the floats like a kid.

The not so good part? It was almost the closing time. So the crew there had started to clean the place and whatever; and some were throwing glances at us which pretty much says "go back, we're closing". I finished my meal and we left. My friend drove me home.

The funniest part? I feel my face's muscle a little stretched up on our way back. Thing is, I 've been grinning all the time during my meal and my face is strained. I must have looked like an idiot.

But the float is really tasty. Really.

Alice in Wonderland

Because being at a place where you are "Alice" is just as intriguing as the book.

I haven't met the pot smoking with cryptic speaking caterpillar yet~ and theres no cheshire yet.

The rabbit, the mouse, the turle, the mad hatter and the queen...yeah...

Frozen

Its so freaking cold!!!! my fingers refuse to move and I am stuck with pages and pages of things to be understood.

Hopefully I'll get them all; brain, keep warm. Don't freeze as well~

Assignments, Tests and Coke

Studying is definitely difficult but it gets easier with a friend next to you. Theres this magical kind of motivation that drives you through it; the feelings that make you move; the kind of responsibility that makes you want to complete writing notes and share whatever it is that you have understood.

Its like battling a war. Leave no soul behind; we'll win together.

And coke is my source of staying awake. The downside? Neverending burps in the morning. Sigh =.="

When I put two and two together~ oh.

I think I do have a mind of an investigator, but I don't have their eloquent mouth and patience. So, I'll disclaim my claim.

I think I'm becoming cocky. I am scared.

My Funny Bunnies and Lecture Notes

Today I attended a class and there were 2 presentations. The first one was done by my group. I think I fared pretty well in my presentation, sort of. Maybe not. I was also extremely nervous that I kinda speed through it; but without stutter, I swear. It was good, and that was the last presentation for the course. I was a little hyped up after we're done presenting. Like, yay! Its over! Haahahha~

Anyway, it was our turn to listen to the other group's presentation. I have to admit, they are pretty cool. They turn the presentation into a forumlike discussion and it worked. Most of us participated; some was caught off guard with the MC's questions. As I listened and look at the slideshow presentation, I took notes and being the "self proclaimed artistic" person, I drew pictures alongsides the lecture notes. (like ballons, bunnies, raccoons, biscuits, gingerbread and trees; basically whatever that pops into mind while I was writing).

I was happily drawing flowers (while giggling) and I sense a presence behind me. It was my lecturer, I have no idea that shes been observing me. Ooops. I thought my lecturer would be mad; y'know, you're basically scribbling/doodling during lecture but the words said later startled me. "I couldn't help but notice your notes. From this ballons, to the signboards (while pointing at the pictures); you are a visual learner and auditory at the same time. Its very good." and walked away after giving me a pat on my back. I smiled. Broadly. I think I even giggled. I was so happy! Like getting chocolate kind of happiness.

I was extremely touched.

That was cool. I mean, I have had teachers/lecturers who reprimand me for drawing during classes. To be acknowledged of doing something because "I am just being me" (thats how I write my notes anyway) is very... I don't know how to put it into words; but it felt so wonderful. I loved the sudden attention; and that it unexpectedly came without me anticipating anything, and it doesn't make me feel like a weird kid who doodles because of boredom and/or lose interest in learning.

The friend who sat next to me said "well, at least you weren't caught for drawing the lecturer". lol.

Smile, you. Even when you don't feel like it

“Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

Marilyn Monroe

Vantage Point

Last night I went out with a friend. We usually talk about study and rarely speaks about personal issues. I have known her for about 9 months already but only recently did we become a bit closer. So we talked.

I have no idea how, but she managed to make me speak about my past; and truly ask me of who I was and what I have encountered in the past. I am the type of person who would hide my true thoughts to myself most of the time, and I am not entirely honest with almost everyone. Very rarely did I ever speak the absolute truth and last night I did.

I was immensely impressed by the fact that this person can read me almost immediately. She notices little things that most people won't unless they care. She told me of my flaws and I acknowledged some that I have already known; and keep in thoughts of other things I have not noticed.

It strikes me really hard that she could point out a lot of my strengths, and visualize how she sees me as a person. I was on the verge of tears; as I have never even see myself as that. I have always see myself as small, insignificant and less important. Its my complex, really. Yes, I have been told but last night hit me like a rainstorm. I was forced to look at myself and see myslef in a new light. I am thankful, and its been a while since I have ever felt this...APPRECIATED as a person. Thank you.

Supernatural Addiction

Supernatural to me is like crack. You start watching and you can't stop. You are constantly waiting for new episodes, wondering when will the new season starts and you just can't help but rerun previous episodes. Yes, I have just finished episode 22 of season 8 and right now I'm on edge of curiosity; whats gonna happen to them? Tell me! I need to know!

Sounds like one major TV addicts, huh?

I started watching since 2007 and have been loyal up till now. 7 years is indeed a long run. I can't help but thinking, what have I done in these past year? Spending time watching TV? Just that. Seriously? Have been in a realtionship and broke up. Getting a degree. Working for a while. Quit. Freeloading at home. Wasting time and parents' money. Have I been throwing my youth away? Letting myself go and not knowing where to head to nor where to stop? I honestly have no idea. I do live well, but it has been a constant and stagnant. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever makes me want to move.

So, not so much of being a normal human being,huh?

It definitely got me into thinking until when will I continue running in this loop. Watching TV everyday, wasting time on the internet, not meeting real human, playing online/offline games as if I don't have any responsibility. I am growing older day by day. I must stop being childish; and truly GROW UP. Not just in term of age, but heart, mind and soul too. I want to quit being a kid, and start being a real adult.

Leaving the Baggage

I will shed you off one at a time; but I will definitely be rid of the loads of you, baggage. I will, I swear.

The Dream of Becoming Barbie

Lately I've been worried so much about my weight. Yes, I've grown fatter over the year and people around me keeps on telling me how fat I've become. Thank you, but I have a mirror too. I have no idea that being fat is such a big deal. I mean, suddenly I become the butt of a joke, and I even got a new nickname! OMG~ I have no idea that this is the kind of treatment every other fat people had. Its sad and hurtful. Poor us.

So everyone pestered me with beauty products here and there and my facebook wall is flooded with advertisement from people I don't even know, friends added me to a page where people buy good product, protein shake, and herbal tea to get slimmer and stuff. I am sort of offended and amused at the same time. People quickly assume that everyone wants to be slim quickly. Of course I want to lose weight, (books say its unhealthy and I am more prone to get diseseases like diabetes and heart problem) but not through medication, herbal beauty products and random mojo food. Its not right and even if I lose weight quickly by using the products, whos to say there will be no side effect? I mean, different people react differently to medications so... whats the point in getting slimmer by toasting my liver?

I'll just run to improve my body image. I'm gonna run 1 hour a day every morning and prove to the people selling the products that "I don't need you to have a healthy body".

I'll do that later because I can...

Why? Because I still got time to waste and I can do it anyway. I have no idea why but lets say I have an assignment to be submitted in two days, I'd be the person who will do it the night before. Which is crazy; and its called procrastination but I would do it anyway.

A lot of things would hinder me from doing my work; first being my insecurities of not doing things "right". Its like I had to wait till the last moment, until I have no option of "fixing" things anymore. I would dawdle, mope and think of reasons why I should do my work now while not doing anything and remember times where I regretted my procrastination but still; I won't move and get things done.

During the most stressful hour of trying to finish the job; that would be the time where I decide to find a new song to listen to, a novel to be read, a tv show to watch, a music video to be subbed or even a fancy handmade card to make. Until it is the very hour of desperation will I start to really do my work. Seriously. Its insane, but this has been going on since...forever I guess.

Or maybe I'm just lazy and other things are just so much more important.

I tried taking notes and scheduling, but it didn't work anyway. I think I'm gonna go somewhere far from my comfort zone tomorrow for a fresh air. I know this should not go on. I have to shed this habit away.

Greetings

Its definitely awkward. I have never actually blog, and this is pretty much my first attempt of claiming one. I hope I am doing the right thing by doing this. English is my second language and I am still struggling with it, despite having learnt it for years. That is one of the reasons why I started this: because I wanted to keep on writing and I need a ground to practice my language.  So, this is my attempt to improve myself.

I am going to write about random things, especially things that happen around me, things I read, watch, listen and discuss among friends and during classes.

By all means; please correct my grammar and comment. Thanks in advance! ^^

Love,
Lizzy