The Thawing of a Frozen Heart

I lost my grandfather almost half a year ago. I was not home. I knew about it by a text from my mom. She said, don't worry, we've had it all covered. Your dad is fine. I wanted to go back home almost immediately; to be there for my dad. In all honestly, I don't remember shedding tears upon the news. I just know its a sad thing; and I should feel sad but I just don't. Tears don't fall and my head is as clear as water in a pond. Its like hearing a stranger's death news. I am not affected, I have no affliction whatsoever. I even googled on why didn't I feel sad, and how wrong it is to not feel sad over the death of family members. I feel so dehumanized. So, I finished all of my final projects and settle everything at my school; and went back home.

It was the second day of the "Kenduri Arwah" (funeral reception) when I got home. It was the first time ever that I saw my dad looking so extremely sombre; and yet trying his best to talk to everyone who came. Afterall, dad is the first male son of the family; he should somehow lead the occasion on behalf of the rest of his siblings. I was in awe, perhaps raising us his children and plenty of life experiences makes him so strong and reliable. At this moment, he is the person my grandma needed most.

I spent time with my grandma. She was sobbing uncontrollably when I sat next to her; reciting prayers and guiding younger cousins reciting Quran. Then I hugged her, and my mom reprimanded me for crying in front of grandmother. "She's cried enough. Why did you cry in front of her? Why do you have to make her cry again? What if she fall ill?". I didn't say anything; I didn't even correct her. I was just there to pat on grandma's  back and hug her, I didn't cry, not even a little bit, not even at all. I'm not even sure if I actually feel sad or pensive at that moment.

After the ordeal with my grandmother; theres a "Tahlil" (Reading of Quranic verses and prayers) which was lead by the village's head (He also is the Imam at our Village's Mosque). We all say the prayer together and then I felt that something is amiss. I couldn't hear my granddad's voice anymore. Normally his voice would be the loudest, and echoes around the house but that day; there's no more. My tears fell, but I didn't even sob. The water just fell out of my eyes, and my nose become watery as well. I have no idea why these fluids keep coming out of my eyes and nose without my heart's consent.

I couldn't explain the numb feelings I felt; and it just felt like something's missing, and a space empty. Some part of me refuse to stop crying so that the tears can become a show to the rest of the family; a sign that I do felt remorse since I didn't actually show my grievance at all since I arrived home and the fact that I didn't rush home the moment I heard the news doesn't make my position seems better. Let them see me cry. It also helps that my face naturally look sad. Apparently, I am one of the 3 grandchildren who didn't say our last farewell to him on his final day before his departure to afterlife. So, crying makes up for it, I guess, since people stop giving me glances of disapproval.

It is true that I was not very close to my grandfather; and that I can barely remember moments that I have with him. There were so many of us; his grandchildren and I can vouch that I'm not his favourite. The one and only memory that I have is when I was in standard 6 and waiting for the bus from cram school. I saw him. He was there with his bike and cigarette; and we sat near each other, but not acknowledging each other's existence at the bus stop right after I salam (shook his hand) once. Then he got up, bought Orange flavoured drink and Pisang Goreng (Its like Banana Tempura); and handed them over to me. I said thanks, and the stall owner said from afar, "Aww, your granddad's buying".

Its a small village, so its no secret as which little kids belongs to which clan. I smiled. He did too. I remembered feeling tremendously happy because for once, I have a moment that my other cousins didn't.  We actually talked; and eventhough it was just a "How was school?", "Are you behaving well to your teacher?", "Are you having fun in school?", and "Where's your dad, why didn't he pick you up?". He stayed with me until the bus came and I went home. I didn't say anthing about this event to anyone; not even my dad because it was such a small, insignificant occurence. Ironically, I remembered this so called insignificant moment to this very day. Perhaps it is significant after all, for that was the only time that I remember us having sincerely smiled and actually were having conversation with one another. I rarely met him after I started secondary school, maybe around 10 times a year, I guess? The number of time I met him didn't even increase through the years. I grow up, and he grew older.

I somehow know that I'm blocking off my emotion to feel anything; I didn't let myself feel anything because I know if I let that feeling sink in, I'll have a major breakdown. I will lose control of myself and I don't like that feeling. I don't want to break down over a person who barely acknowledged my existence in his life. I was always envious of my friends whenever they speak about how close they are to their grandparents; because I simply don't have a close relationship with my grandparents. We just meet once in a while and that's that. "Since our contact is minimum; lets just keep the mourning minimized too" I thought to myself.So, I compartmentalized my feelings. I recovered pretty fast, probably because there was nothing to recover from; and goes on with life as if nothing ever happened. Time passess and I rarely ever remembered him. Like he was never there on the first place.

We were so distant; I knew he was family and family should feel love for each other but I guess I stopped trying to try loving him. I stopped trying to impress; I stopped trying to get his attention; I stopped trying to care. I have always, however, play the role of filial granddaughter for my parents at home. I may not do it out of goodwill, but at least I know I did it for my parents. I can smile and laugh and behave according to the societal norms, but none of it was real, I guess. I've been trying my best to convince "me" that I am in fact, okay. So, why did I write about it today?

Simple answer. As Beyonce said it in Halo: "Remember those walls I built? They're tumbling down. They didn't even put up a fight, they didn't even make a sound" . My cover is blown. I break down.

That one fine morning, I was doing my cleaning routine when I saw a male elderly was trying to walk down a narrow staircase. He was holding a cane and staggering. Out of intuition I rushed towards him and extend my arm. He accepted my help and held my hand as he ascends from the stairs. He looked at me straight in the eyes, grace me with a gentle smile and left. He said nothing. He was a stranger with no connection whatsoever to me, but something tugged my heart and the moment I turn around; the sudden surge of emotion makes my tears fall and for the first time ever, in 6 months after he left us, I truly cried. No one was there to judge me, there's no family members around to put a show on, I have no one around me to please, only my heart alone to console. That stranger made me feel a doleful void that I didn't feel before. The touch makes me remember that my gradfather is no longer physically here. I can no longer hold his hand. I can no longer call his name and he can never answer. Ever. The thoughts of having to visit his grave, reciting prayers for him in years to come makes me feel despair and I finally admitted to myself that I am feeling his loss. At the age of 25, I no longer have a Grandfather.

I don't remember a lot about us, in fact I even doubted if I ever actually loved you, as in truly loved you. But right now, at this moment; I miss you, Aki.

Confessions of an Eccentric Drama Queen

I should try to understand and accept people's differences and not be too judgmental. I am to a certain degree and it ticks me off a little bit. Its because deep down I knew it wasn't right for me to have the same reaction like most people; given the fact that I am a piece of work myself when it comes to individuality and degree of weirdness. I am aware of individual's differences, its just that...I can't accept everything.

I know, I mean, if I can be eccentric; why can't other people be eccentric too? They have every single rights to do so. I may be disappointed and baffled as hell; but I should have tried to understand better. Afterall, people have tried their best to understand my qualities and bizarre antics. Why can't I do the same?

The world does not revolve around me and I am just a pebble; okay, a tiny organism living this world so I shouldn't hold my head so high and stop looking down and evaluate myself. I am maybe better at certain things, but there are millions of other people who can do a lot better in other fields than me. I don't want to be a drama queen who is pompous and demanded everything to fall in lines as I please and people must follow what I say.

Instead I want to become a good leader; the one who can see the flaws in herself and accept others' flaw, see the good qualities and fortes in the crowd she mingles in and not think of herself high above the rest of the people.

Random Act of Kindness

One day I was feeling so depressed over something I can't quite place. (Its a mixture of everything, really) and I rode a bus and that day, I was pretty lucky to have secured a seat. I will definitely feel crappier if I had to stand all the way home through the ride and I get to sit. So, cool. I'm okay.

Then there was a guy wearing a snowcap and carries a slingbag fully decorated with badges of his favorite band I think; and he was holding a guitar in his hand. The bus driver apparently was also having a bad day judging from he way he drove the bus; really fast, and I know it didn't slow down at any turn, execept when the bus is dropping and picking people. The guy holding the guitar looked slightly unbalanced but I noticed that even when he's about to lose control of his footing; he always keep his guitar safe from falling or getting hit by other standing people.

Without saying a word I extend my hand, and gesture a "let me hold the guitar for you" with a smile and anod (facial expression language much?). He apparently understood that and hand it over to me. I hold it in my grip and he finally can use his free hand to get the nearby pole to keep his balance. At that moment, all that I could ever think of was "The hell did I just do? He's a complete stranger. Why did I do that? Its so awkward!" I have no idea. I just did. He's also something; handing it over to me when we absolutely not know each other.

I didn't even utter a word to him and when I reached my stop, I returned it to him and I can hear a faint "Thanks" coming out of his mouth. I smiled and nodded (I don't know why it was so difficult for me to speak that day. Oh, yes. I was in bad mood and I haven't spoken to anyone that day. Silly me, of course I won't speak to him.). I got out of the bus; and I can totally hear another passenger saying something like "Oy, give her your number, dude". I guess we've been observed by the rest of the people. Ha.

Anyways, I sort of forgot that I was feeling down earlier; and I was left with a fuzzy and contented feelings afterwards. I guess thats why people say we have to do good in order to feel good. Indeed, doing good is a good thing. I'm happy. And to guy with guitar; thanks, you made my day.

The Punching Bag

This is the second time that I had to take the fall just to cater to everyone else's need. Its irritating in a way, because the first time I did it was already burdening enough. The second time, I'm already at my limit. I don't feel that its okay to dump everything on others for your own benefit. The first time is fine, but twice is not okay~

Pen is a lot sharper than tongue

 Since tongue is said to be sharper than sword; so pen is the sharpest item of them all~

I admit that I am not a person who can immediately rebutt in any arguments; its just not my forte. Thus, I always listen, accept and absorb everything that is said to me diligently. Of course I will feel bad if the said words were unkind but I'll get over it as time passes by. Which is really depressing.

So, I would write. I feel safe in writing; and I can unleash every words I wish to utter verbally. The best part about it is that it works; and the effect lasts longer. I remembered Shakespeare's sonnet 18; the beauty is everlasting as long as people can read. So, yeah. definitely better than voices; unless its recorded and plastered all over the web, because internet is forever too.

Every Freaking Time

I planned to relief some of my fatigue by sleeping for a couple hours; and wake up at 3 am to resume whatever thats left of my paper to be completed.

Guess what?

I woke up at 7. Hmmm~ My plan has gone with the dream. Btw, I know I dreamt of something special. The dream was sort of good because I wake as a happy person; not the usual cranky "why am I waking up when I should be sleeping, its Sunday..." kind of human.

Either way. I'm so not gonna trust myself with sleeping again. Like, ever.

StATisTiCs

Statistically speaking, there has got to be a correlation between test anxiety and the number of times we've done revision, right?

Perfect deduction

It took me hours to realize that I am stressed out about doing the same thing twice.

But it took her less than 10 minutes to point that out, after hearing my rant that is.

The moment I could understand and realize that was my stressor; I'm done being stressed. Ha.

I'm such a simpleton.

Emotional Bankruptcy

"Do you not have feelings?"

It is not the first time that I was ever asked this question. The answer remains the same: I never answer. I do not have the answer to that as well. I do feel happy, angry, annoyed, and sad obviously. If I don't, I wouldn't ponder about this question at all. I think what hurts the most to me is that its not entirely untrue. I know I am cold. I realize that I am blunt. I am insensitive. I feel; but my feelings are belated. I can't immediately reply to questions like this. I need time to think and by the time I'm done thinking; the moment has passed. I miss my chance to speak. I have to think first before I speak. I have to ponder, to choose try find the wisest word to be spoken so I wouldn't hurt anyone, because I know how hurt it to be slayed by words. Its not physical pain; its your heart shredded to pieces.

I badly wanted to explain that I am not a person who is devoid of emotion. I am just not good as expressing my feelings as other people. That is all.

Running Away

facing reality is so difficult! I don't want to! but I have to!

Peter Pan and The Lost Boys

I was this girl who used to follow my elder sister everywhere. Literally. We would jump over our grandfather's orchard fence while savagely climb and eat the Rambutan fruits illegally, play at shallow stream, catching fish and tadpoles, and every other traditional games there is with the rest of the village kids, ravaging the rubber plantation searching for random wild fruits and all sorts of adventures.

Its pretty colourful and my sister is like Peter Pan and me being a follower is one of the Lost Boys.

I miss those times when I was fearless; when I can do whatever the hell I want without a care in the world (except curfew, mom and elder bros. They are scary creatures)

Its good old days; ones that i will never get back and I can only treasure them in my heart.

Floats!

I haven't had a meal at A&W in a while. Okay. I have never had an A&W meal, like ever.

Yesterday I went there and for the first time, I tried the floats. The nice girl at the counter managed to coax me into buying. Fine, you won, lady because of your good manners. I wouldn't have spent extra cash had you been grumpy. LOL~ and I'm glad I made that decision because I felt ridiculously happy. Seriously. Floats is the best thing ever! Or maybe, its just me feeling happy after a test is over; and the float is just a way for me to materialize my happiness. So, I grinned and hover over the floats like a kid.

The not so good part? It was almost the closing time. So the crew there had started to clean the place and whatever; and some were throwing glances at us which pretty much says "go back, we're closing". I finished my meal and we left. My friend drove me home.

The funniest part? I feel my face's muscle a little stretched up on our way back. Thing is, I 've been grinning all the time during my meal and my face is strained. I must have looked like an idiot.

But the float is really tasty. Really.

Alice in Wonderland

Because being at a place where you are "Alice" is just as intriguing as the book.

I haven't met the pot smoking with cryptic speaking caterpillar yet~ and theres no cheshire yet.

The rabbit, the mouse, the turle, the mad hatter and the queen...yeah...

Frozen

Its so freaking cold!!!! my fingers refuse to move and I am stuck with pages and pages of things to be understood.

Hopefully I'll get them all; brain, keep warm. Don't freeze as well~

Assignments, Tests and Coke

Studying is definitely difficult but it gets easier with a friend next to you. Theres this magical kind of motivation that drives you through it; the feelings that make you move; the kind of responsibility that makes you want to complete writing notes and share whatever it is that you have understood.

Its like battling a war. Leave no soul behind; we'll win together.

And coke is my source of staying awake. The downside? Neverending burps in the morning. Sigh =.="

When I put two and two together~ oh.

I think I do have a mind of an investigator, but I don't have their eloquent mouth and patience. So, I'll disclaim my claim.

I think I'm becoming cocky. I am scared.

My Funny Bunnies and Lecture Notes

Today I attended a class and there were 2 presentations. The first one was done by my group. I think I fared pretty well in my presentation, sort of. Maybe not. I was also extremely nervous that I kinda speed through it; but without stutter, I swear. It was good, and that was the last presentation for the course. I was a little hyped up after we're done presenting. Like, yay! Its over! Haahahha~

Anyway, it was our turn to listen to the other group's presentation. I have to admit, they are pretty cool. They turn the presentation into a forumlike discussion and it worked. Most of us participated; some was caught off guard with the MC's questions. As I listened and look at the slideshow presentation, I took notes and being the "self proclaimed artistic" person, I drew pictures alongsides the lecture notes. (like ballons, bunnies, raccoons, biscuits, gingerbread and trees; basically whatever that pops into mind while I was writing).

I was happily drawing flowers (while giggling) and I sense a presence behind me. It was my lecturer, I have no idea that shes been observing me. Ooops. I thought my lecturer would be mad; y'know, you're basically scribbling/doodling during lecture but the words said later startled me. "I couldn't help but notice your notes. From this ballons, to the signboards (while pointing at the pictures); you are a visual learner and auditory at the same time. Its very good." and walked away after giving me a pat on my back. I smiled. Broadly. I think I even giggled. I was so happy! Like getting chocolate kind of happiness.

I was extremely touched.

That was cool. I mean, I have had teachers/lecturers who reprimand me for drawing during classes. To be acknowledged of doing something because "I am just being me" (thats how I write my notes anyway) is very... I don't know how to put it into words; but it felt so wonderful. I loved the sudden attention; and that it unexpectedly came without me anticipating anything, and it doesn't make me feel like a weird kid who doodles because of boredom and/or lose interest in learning.

The friend who sat next to me said "well, at least you weren't caught for drawing the lecturer". lol.

Smile, you. Even when you don't feel like it

“Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

Marilyn Monroe

Vantage Point

Last night I went out with a friend. We usually talk about study and rarely speaks about personal issues. I have known her for about 9 months already but only recently did we become a bit closer. So we talked.

I have no idea how, but she managed to make me speak about my past; and truly ask me of who I was and what I have encountered in the past. I am the type of person who would hide my true thoughts to myself most of the time, and I am not entirely honest with almost everyone. Very rarely did I ever speak the absolute truth and last night I did.

I was immensely impressed by the fact that this person can read me almost immediately. She notices little things that most people won't unless they care. She told me of my flaws and I acknowledged some that I have already known; and keep in thoughts of other things I have not noticed.

It strikes me really hard that she could point out a lot of my strengths, and visualize how she sees me as a person. I was on the verge of tears; as I have never even see myself as that. I have always see myself as small, insignificant and less important. Its my complex, really. Yes, I have been told but last night hit me like a rainstorm. I was forced to look at myself and see myslef in a new light. I am thankful, and its been a while since I have ever felt this...APPRECIATED as a person. Thank you.

Supernatural Addiction

Supernatural to me is like crack. You start watching and you can't stop. You are constantly waiting for new episodes, wondering when will the new season starts and you just can't help but rerun previous episodes. Yes, I have just finished episode 22 of season 8 and right now I'm on edge of curiosity; whats gonna happen to them? Tell me! I need to know!

Sounds like one major TV addicts, huh?

I started watching since 2007 and have been loyal up till now. 7 years is indeed a long run. I can't help but thinking, what have I done in these past year? Spending time watching TV? Just that. Seriously? Have been in a realtionship and broke up. Getting a degree. Working for a while. Quit. Freeloading at home. Wasting time and parents' money. Have I been throwing my youth away? Letting myself go and not knowing where to head to nor where to stop? I honestly have no idea. I do live well, but it has been a constant and stagnant. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever makes me want to move.

So, not so much of being a normal human being,huh?

It definitely got me into thinking until when will I continue running in this loop. Watching TV everyday, wasting time on the internet, not meeting real human, playing online/offline games as if I don't have any responsibility. I am growing older day by day. I must stop being childish; and truly GROW UP. Not just in term of age, but heart, mind and soul too. I want to quit being a kid, and start being a real adult.

Leaving the Baggage

I will shed you off one at a time; but I will definitely be rid of the loads of you, baggage. I will, I swear.

The Dream of Becoming Barbie

Lately I've been worried so much about my weight. Yes, I've grown fatter over the year and people around me keeps on telling me how fat I've become. Thank you, but I have a mirror too. I have no idea that being fat is such a big deal. I mean, suddenly I become the butt of a joke, and I even got a new nickname! OMG~ I have no idea that this is the kind of treatment every other fat people had. Its sad and hurtful. Poor us.

So everyone pestered me with beauty products here and there and my facebook wall is flooded with advertisement from people I don't even know, friends added me to a page where people buy good product, protein shake, and herbal tea to get slimmer and stuff. I am sort of offended and amused at the same time. People quickly assume that everyone wants to be slim quickly. Of course I want to lose weight, (books say its unhealthy and I am more prone to get diseseases like diabetes and heart problem) but not through medication, herbal beauty products and random mojo food. Its not right and even if I lose weight quickly by using the products, whos to say there will be no side effect? I mean, different people react differently to medications so... whats the point in getting slimmer by toasting my liver?

I'll just run to improve my body image. I'm gonna run 1 hour a day every morning and prove to the people selling the products that "I don't need you to have a healthy body".

I'll do that later because I can...

Why? Because I still got time to waste and I can do it anyway. I have no idea why but lets say I have an assignment to be submitted in two days, I'd be the person who will do it the night before. Which is crazy; and its called procrastination but I would do it anyway.

A lot of things would hinder me from doing my work; first being my insecurities of not doing things "right". Its like I had to wait till the last moment, until I have no option of "fixing" things anymore. I would dawdle, mope and think of reasons why I should do my work now while not doing anything and remember times where I regretted my procrastination but still; I won't move and get things done.

During the most stressful hour of trying to finish the job; that would be the time where I decide to find a new song to listen to, a novel to be read, a tv show to watch, a music video to be subbed or even a fancy handmade card to make. Until it is the very hour of desperation will I start to really do my work. Seriously. Its insane, but this has been going on since...forever I guess.

Or maybe I'm just lazy and other things are just so much more important.

I tried taking notes and scheduling, but it didn't work anyway. I think I'm gonna go somewhere far from my comfort zone tomorrow for a fresh air. I know this should not go on. I have to shed this habit away.

Greetings

Its definitely awkward. I have never actually blog, and this is pretty much my first attempt of claiming one. I hope I am doing the right thing by doing this. English is my second language and I am still struggling with it, despite having learnt it for years. That is one of the reasons why I started this: because I wanted to keep on writing and I need a ground to practice my language.  So, this is my attempt to improve myself.

I am going to write about random things, especially things that happen around me, things I read, watch, listen and discuss among friends and during classes.

By all means; please correct my grammar and comment. Thanks in advance! ^^

Love,
Lizzy